Tonight, I Didn’t Cry.

Panic.

It sets in when you least expect it. It happens to everyone, one second you’re having a shower and listening to your favourite song on the radio, and the next, the glass walls feel like they are caving in on you. Crushing you. Taking your breath away, but not in the way that would make you smile.
I was driving, it’s a new city, more importantly a new car. I was trying my best to keep my eyes on the road, and the chaos around me.
But it didn’t stop the chaos from rushing out inside of me.
The sweaty palms, the beating heart, the cold shivers… I tried my best to keep my eyes on the road, if not for myself, then for those driving around me.
I tried to play a song, shuffle… repeat… anything.
I tried not to think of the times when one voice could calm me down, when one voice was enough to make the air come back rushing into my lungs; the oxygen back into my head.
I thought of all the things he would have said, the replies I would have given him. The whole conversation went back and forth in my head, but in my car, there was silence.

Where is the happiness in this? I’m sitting here, there’s silence in my house, bursting words in my head, but here I am, calm and composed, writing this. I won. I overcame this, and I won. No doubt, there are moments even now when I want to close my eyes, scream and cry… But the pain, the one that crashes into me and stops me every step of the way, it’s fading now. Slowly, but it’s turning into my strength.

I don’t know where he is, what he’s doing, if he’s even thinking about me… or the most painful one I will never forgive or forget, why didn’t he say goodbye?
But the only answer I do have, is I’m stronger. I don’t know what it’s like to leave, to run away, and I will never know. He never said good bye, maybe he won’t even read this to know that I said good bye- but the best part is, cowards don’t need answers.

Still waiting for my happiness?

I came home and found The Happiness Project lying on my bed. It made me smile, it made me feel like I had a chance to overcome all of this and look at a future when this panic would forget me, rather I would forget it.

My one line of happy today, I didn’t cry.

I don’t know about tomorrow, I don’t know about the future… but what really matters to me tonight, is that I didn’t cry.

Instead, I wrote. Not because he left me with a broken heart and a panicked mind, but because I chose to get up and smile, to dream, and to remember there is still good in the world. Good people that don’t leave, that don’t hide, that don’t lie and don’t run. Sometimes, you have to meet a bad person to realize just how good you actually are. I met my bad, I met my bad and now I’m leaving him behind me, because tonight, I’ve chosen not to cry.

My Happiness Project, Day 1.

There’s a reason we are called sisters. Growing up together as twins was not enough for us, nor was wearing the same clothes or chasing after bullies. It’s a deeper connection, one which even though drifted away over the years, seems to be connecting back in strange, yet simple ways.

There is nothing more precious then my little sister, she’s crazy, she’s beautiful, she’s the perfect combination of witty and intelligent. And last night, she was my shooting star.

I read somewhere today, the day is the easiest to pass by. Work, family and random messages on Snapchat and Facebook keep you occupied. But it’s those last few minutes, the ones when you’re all tucked in bed, that warm safe blanket around you, the lights off, or for those like me, that one dim light on faraway somewhere…. It’s in those few moments when the painful flashes begin. When you want to close your eyes, but old conversations, messages and kisses come rushing back. You open your eyes, sleep seems impossible tonight.

You try counting stars, listening to music, dreaming of something else, someone else; but you realise that’s everything you did when you were once in love… when He was the only one in your mind. Those long nights spent over the phone, gazing at the dark sky with the shining stars. With the distance in between, the vast sky was the only thing that connected two faraway lovers. That song that he played, or maybe sang to you as your eyes shut, with that favourite smile of his on your face. Those dreams, when you waited to see Him again, hold Him, kiss Him; those moments that keep you calm until you can actually see Him again.

These memories. They come rushing back, and in the darkness, there seems to be no escape.

Or so I thought.

“Write one happy moment from your day.” Was my little sister’s reply.

I squinted into the phone to read the line again. Curse of the glasses.

I didn’t write last night, but her words made me smile and helped me sleep. I ordered the book of course, The Happiness Project.

So I thought about my Day 1, my happiness project, what about today actually made me really smile from the inside. Not the everlasting one that is on my face, but the one that really, truly comes from my eyes.

My mind is almost blank. As moments of the day flashes past me, so do the moments long gone that now hurt my heart. I remember those nights when He called to say good night, when He called me in the morning to hear my sleepy voice. Him, Him, Him…. It was all about Him. Where was I in the picture of my life these past 365 days? Where was my smile? My happiness?

Why was I never the reason I smiled?

I may have missed Day 1 of the Happiness Project, but to me, it’s a step forward. My realization; that is what is going to make me smile tonight. The pure knowledge that I have chosen to make me the reason I smile, the simple fact that I choose myself to bring those shiny eyes back. Whether it’s the fact that I managed to finish my Agathe Christie novel after days, or that I managed to spend a solid hour in the gym for myself, but from today, it’s me – the reason for my happiness.

And from here on, no one is the Hero or Heroine of my story, the only protagonist here, is Me.