My Happiness Project, Day 1.

There’s a reason we are called sisters. Growing up together as twins was not enough for us, nor was wearing the same clothes or chasing after bullies. It’s a deeper connection, one which even though drifted away over the years, seems to be connecting back in strange, yet simple ways.

There is nothing more precious then my little sister, she’s crazy, she’s beautiful, she’s the perfect combination of witty and intelligent. And last night, she was my shooting star.

I read somewhere today, the day is the easiest to pass by. Work, family and random messages on Snapchat and Facebook keep you occupied. But it’s those last few minutes, the ones when you’re all tucked in bed, that warm safe blanket around you, the lights off, or for those like me, that one dim light on faraway somewhere…. It’s in those few moments when the painful flashes begin. When you want to close your eyes, but old conversations, messages and kisses come rushing back. You open your eyes, sleep seems impossible tonight.

You try counting stars, listening to music, dreaming of something else, someone else; but you realise that’s everything you did when you were once in love… when He was the only one in your mind. Those long nights spent over the phone, gazing at the dark sky with the shining stars. With the distance in between, the vast sky was the only thing that connected two faraway lovers. That song that he played, or maybe sang to you as your eyes shut, with that favourite smile of his on your face. Those dreams, when you waited to see Him again, hold Him, kiss Him; those moments that keep you calm until you can actually see Him again.

These memories. They come rushing back, and in the darkness, there seems to be no escape.

Or so I thought.

“Write one happy moment from your day.” Was my little sister’s reply.

I squinted into the phone to read the line again. Curse of the glasses.

I didn’t write last night, but her words made me smile and helped me sleep. I ordered the book of course, The Happiness Project.

So I thought about my Day 1, my happiness project, what about today actually made me really smile from the inside. Not the everlasting one that is on my face, but the one that really, truly comes from my eyes.

My mind is almost blank. As moments of the day flashes past me, so do the moments long gone that now hurt my heart. I remember those nights when He called to say good night, when He called me in the morning to hear my sleepy voice. Him, Him, Him…. It was all about Him. Where was I in the picture of my life these past 365 days? Where was my smile? My happiness?

Why was I never the reason I smiled?

I may have missed Day 1 of the Happiness Project, but to me, it’s a step forward. My realization; that is what is going to make me smile tonight. The pure knowledge that I have chosen to make me the reason I smile, the simple fact that I choose myself to bring those shiny eyes back. Whether it’s the fact that I managed to finish my Agathe Christie novel after days, or that I managed to spend a solid hour in the gym for myself, but from today, it’s me – the reason for my happiness.

And from here on, no one is the Hero or Heroine of my story, the only protagonist here, is Me.

 

 

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