It sets in when you least expect it. It happens to everyone, one second you’re having a shower and listening to your favourite song on the radio, and the next, the glass walls feel like they are caving in on you. Crushing you. Taking your breath away, but not in the way that would make you smile.
I was driving, it’s a new city, more importantly a new car. I was trying my best to keep my eyes on the road, and the chaos around me.
But it didn’t stop the chaos from rushing out inside of me.
The sweaty palms, the beating heart, the cold shivers… I tried my best to keep my eyes on the road, if not for myself, then for those driving around me.
I tried to play a song, shuffle… repeat… anything.
I tried not to think of the times when one voice could calm me down, when one voice was enough to make the air come back rushing into my lungs; the oxygen back into my head.
I thought of all the things he would have said, the replies I would have given him. The whole conversation went back and forth in my head, but in my car, there was silence.
Where is the happiness in this? I’m sitting here, there’s silence in my house, bursting words in my head, but here I am, calm and composed, writing this. I won. I overcame this, and I won. No doubt, there are moments even now when I want to close my eyes, scream and cry… But the pain, the one that crashes into me and stops me every step of the way, it’s fading now. Slowly, but it’s turning into my strength.
I don’t know where he is, what he’s doing, if he’s even thinking about me… or the most painful one I will never forgive or forget, why didn’t he say goodbye?
But the only answer I do have, is I’m stronger. I don’t know what it’s like to leave, to run away, and I will never know. He never said good bye, maybe he won’t even read this to know that I said good bye- but the best part is, cowards don’t need answers.
Still waiting for my happiness?
I came home and found The Happiness Project lying on my bed. It made me smile, it made me feel like I had a chance to overcome all of this and look at a future when this panic would forget me, rather I would forget it.
My one line of happy today, I didn’t cry.
I don’t know about tomorrow, I don’t know about the future… but what really matters to me tonight, is that I didn’t cry.
Instead, I wrote. Not because he left me with a broken heart and a panicked mind, but because I chose to get up and smile, to dream, and to remember there is still good in the world. Good people that don’t leave, that don’t hide, that don’t lie and don’t run. Sometimes, you have to meet a bad person to realize just how good you actually are. I met my bad, I met my bad and now I’m leaving him behind me, because tonight, I’ve chosen not to cry.