My December List of Happiness

It’s that time of the month again, to wash off the dust of your soul.
The Last Week of the Year is here. The one where memories of the past 11 months come floating by… some that make you smile, some that sting, some that unexpected memory that shines through your eyes. December has always been a great month, it sort of neatly wraps up all the worries, troubles and joys of the year gone by, in a beautiful manner. It helps you understand who you are, where you’ve been, how you are… The friends who are just not the same, and the enemies who now share your deepest secrets with you.
But this isn’t why I’m writing to you today.
I’m writing to you because today, from the deepest corners of my heart, (And yes, I do picture my heart to be shaped like this ‘<3’, so yes, from the deepest corners)  radiates a feeling I almost didn’t recognise. Unsure of the warmth that surrounded me and this radiating glow of happiness, it took me a second to remember when I had last experienced this feeling.
This feeling of being in Love.
All these years, I’ve been adjusting, telling myself it’s okay that things didn’t work out, that people chose to leave rather than stay, that there must be some underlying reason that’s beyond my understanding for things to ‘not happen’. I’ve always focused on the things that I don’t have, couldn’t get, the love that escaped through my fingers… But recently, I read something that has now forced me to make a list of the things that I got. The things that stayed. The things that changed. The things that are making me smile today. And sharing this list with you, that’s just my way of reminding you that change, heartbreak, lonely nights spent in a dark room crying, journeys with no agendas, walks with no destination, mornings with no sunrise… all this does amount to something. This realisation though, I guess it varies from person to person, because everyone has their own story to tell, their own villains, fairy godmothers, and their own happy endings.
Without further delay, here’s my December List of Happiness:
1. I stopped waking up to a tear-stained pillow.
2. I finally started my Book Review blog.
3. I started reading again. (In a good month, I’ve finish 2-3 books a month)
4. I made new and lasting friends.
5. My mother has become my best friend. As I type this, I understand it and swear by it.
6. I stopped living through the eyes of others.
7. I lost weight. Systematically.
8. I cut my hair- today, it’s shorter than I would have ever dared.
9. I got my first double spread in a magazine.
10. I stopped downloading music illegally.
11. I finally started a dance class.
12. I quit beer.
13. I have decided to fall in love again.
14. I’m not going to let anyone call me ‘easy’ again.
15. I’m focusing a lot on charity- it’s time to make someone smile, and for no selfish reason.
16. I sincerely wish the best for the two people who shattered me, my heart, will-power and soul. It’s time let go, it’s time for me to move on from their pain.
17. I bought red lipstick.
18. I wake up early. I sleep early.
19. I’ve stopped apologising for my past.
20. I’ve stopped giving up and asking myself, “Why Not?”.
It’s almost the end of this month and I have butterflies in my tummy; that anticipation that something amazing is coming my way. While Love is a feeling that transforms you, it’s how you treat yourself when you’re in Love that changes everything. Including yourself.
It’s so easy to walk away. But now, I’ve decided to stay, for myself. Stay strong for my beaten heart. Stay strong in front of my terrorising boss. Stay strong for my opinions, my voice, myself. Yes life sucks, and yes sometimes I wish to curl up under my blanket and stay there- but at the end of it all, I will get up. I will Love. I will Love myself. I will find someone who will be the father of our lovely children, who will sit by the fireplace as I read to our kids, or entwine his body with mine as we sip some wine. The view from our window will be a spectacular one, but you know what no one can beat? The view, the happiness and the love that resonates from within.
Here’s hoping this inspires you to write your December List of Happiness.
Share or not, just remind yourself of the pain that transformed you into who you are today. And as this year comes to an end, stand tall, taller than you ever have and watch yourself turn indestructible.
All My Love And A Happy New Year To You.

Another Moon Will Pass Me By

Love stories seem to not want to end at happy endings. Love stories seem to rise only from the ashes of burnt hearts and destroyed souls. Bitter-sweet memories and uprooted emotions. Love stories seem to choose destruction and chaos. Love finds a way to get to your safest place, most deepest place and then start burning you, inside out. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, the signs appear only too quickly – what we would normally find upsetting could probably just be our guardian angel flashing signs of caution. But who listens to advice? No? Especially if it’s your gut that’s giving it to you. And that too, for free.
You would never listen to your gut. I never did.
The night used to be a time for confessions and late night phone calls. The nights are getting lonelier, the words hanging around my bed. The first to greet me as I wake up from my dream-less sleep.
So many full moons have passed me by, so many love stories and lovers have met me along this journey. But to go back to loving you was the easiest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.
Our raging fights, those words we never should have said to each other, the hours spent crying, ignoring and even the worst of it all, walking away. None of that is enough to soothe the burning inside of me. None of that will be enough to comprehend the confusion and tears pouring out of my soul.
Everyone around us says I hurt you. That you could never love again. Seems like the whole world was wrong. Even you. Remember that night when you lay me down on that cold platform, when you looked deep into my eyes, deep into my soul… whiskey on our breath. But your eyes, it seemed to tell me another story. Soul mates.
Wasn’t that your most loved word?
Days, weeks and months have passed us now, so boy, why are you still on my mind? Why does this aching  heart only want to be calmed by your voice? Why have I forgotten the way you say my name? Why did you think it would be okay to go out there like this, and destroy my heart entirely?
Why haven’t you called me?
Why did you move on? Leaving me behind in your after glow.
I’ve got my playlist of misery on for tonight, it’s got you all over it.
It’s easy to picture a heart broken into a million pieces, coming back together, slowly and steadily. There are so many things this beautiful world has to share with us, so many lovely things, like the sunshine, caring friends and a loving family, to help bring the pieces together. But what about when you’re just left with one half of a broken heart? You couldn’t even break my heart like it should have been. You just took what’s yours, all the loving inside of me and walked away. You walked away. How dare you take all of me with you? Leaving me grasping for air. Cold. Breathless and lonely.
How dare you walk away, taking the one piece of me that I need the most.
Life seems to be going full circle for me. I’m sitting right where we began. In the same room we spoke for the first time. The same room where I stayed up all night talking to you. The same room you texted me good morning and every morning after that shined brightly. I’m in the same room I was in when you texted me and told me you had something important to tell me- you whispered, ‘I love you‘, my heart stopped and sped up at the same time. No drug has ever made me feel the same. No three words more perfect. I’m sitting in the same room, with no one but our memories for company, and yet, I seem to have forgotten the way you say my name.
But it’s late now. And I need drift back to my dream-less sleep.
It’s another day tomorrow. Another smile for the world and another moon will pass me by.
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