“Sure, things didn’t work out the way I had hoped. Maybe I thought we’d get married, have a couple of kids, build ourselves a little house with a fireplace in the hills. But then what does that really matter? You are the love of my life. I never needed us to last a lifetime to know that.”
Beau Taplin // T i c k i n g C l o c k
It’s that time of the month again, to wash off the dust of your soul.
The Last Week of the Year is here. The one where memories of the past 11 months come floating by… some that make you smile, some that sting, some that unexpected memory that shines through your eyes. December has always been a great month, it sort of neatly wraps up all the worries, troubles and joys of the year gone by, in a beautiful manner. It helps you understand who you are, where you’ve been, how you are… The friends who are just not the same, and the enemies who now share your deepest secrets with you.
But this isn’t why I’m writing to you today.
I’m writing to you because today, from the deepest corners of my heart, (And yes, I do picture my heart to be shaped like this ‘<3’, so yes, from the deepest corners) radiates a feeling I almost didn’t recognise. Unsure of the warmth that surrounded me and this radiating glow of happiness, it took me a second to remember when I had last experienced this feeling.
This feeling of being in Love.
All these years, I’ve been adjusting, telling myself it’s okay that things didn’t work out, that people chose to leave rather than stay, that there must be some underlying reason that’s beyond my understanding for things to ‘not happen’. I’ve always focused on the things that I don’t have, couldn’t get, the love that escaped through my fingers… But recently, I read something that has now forced me to make a list of the things that I got. The things that stayed. The things that changed. The things that are making me smile today. And sharing this list with you, that’s just my way of reminding you that change, heartbreak, lonely nights spent in a dark room crying, journeys with no agendas, walks with no destination, mornings with no sunrise… all this does amount to something. This realisation though, I guess it varies from person to person, because everyone has their own story to tell, their own villains, fairy godmothers, and their own happy endings.
Without further delay, here’s my December List of Happiness:
1. I stopped waking up to a tear-stained pillow.
2. I finally started my Book Review blog.
3. I started reading again. (In a good month, I’ve finish 2-3 books a month)
4. I made new and lasting friends.
5. My mother has become my best friend. As I type this, I understand it and swear by it.
6. I stopped living through the eyes of others.
7. I lost weight. Systematically.
8. I cut my hair- today, it’s shorter than I would have ever dared.
9. I got my first double spread in a magazine.
10. I stopped downloading music illegally.
11. I finally started a dance class.
12. I quit beer.
13. I have decided to fall in love again.
14. I’m not going to let anyone call me ‘easy’ again.
15. I’m focusing a lot on charity- it’s time to make someone smile, and for no selfish reason.
16. I sincerely wish the best for the two people who shattered me, my heart, will-power and soul. It’s time let go, it’s time for me to move on from their pain.
17. I bought red lipstick.
18. I wake up early. I sleep early.
19. I’ve stopped apologising for my past.
20. I’ve stopped giving up and asking myself, “Why Not?”.
It’s almost the end of this month and I have butterflies in my tummy; that anticipation that something amazing is coming my way. While Love is a feeling that transforms you, it’s how you treat yourself when you’re in Love that changes everything. Including yourself.
It’s so easy to walk away. But now, I’ve decided to stay, for myself. Stay strong for my beaten heart. Stay strong in front of my terrorising boss. Stay strong for my opinions, my voice, myself. Yes life sucks, and yes sometimes I wish to curl up under my blanket and stay there- but at the end of it all, I will get up. I will Love. I will Love myself. I will find someone who will be the father of our lovely children, who will sit by the fireplace as I read to our kids, or entwine his body with mine as we sip some wine. The view from our window will be a spectacular one, but you know what no one can beat? The view, the happiness and the love that resonates from within.
Here’s hoping this inspires you to write your December List of Happiness.
Share or not, just remind yourself of the pain that transformed you into who you are today. And as this year comes to an end, stand tall, taller than you ever have and watch yourself turn indestructible.
All My Love And A Happy New Year To You.