Dreaming of Angels.

Brilliant.

It’s not even 10pm, I’m sitting in bed, my room dark – it’s not unusual though, for me to get into a safe and warm spot on my bed at this hour. A space that is just mine, one where my thoughts fly around me, sometimes too quickly, at times though, not quick enough. Tonight though, things seem different.

It began when I sat in my car, a whole day had just passed me by. In front of the world, I was a strong girl, I stuck a smile on my face. A colleague even asked me, “How do you look so happy even at 7pm?” Little did she know – It was 9pm, I was sitting in my car. With the windows shut, there was no sound inside – just the sound of me breathing.

With trembling hands, I started the car, unsure of where I was supposed to go – the road home.

Home.

This word is so foreign to me now. No, not in the way most young adults my age wish it to feel. I’ve absolutely forgotten the feeling, of driving home, after a long day. It’s not a location, neither is it your waiting parents, or even the food your mom cooked lovingly for you, because she just knew you would have a bad day today. No, it’s none of that.

It’s a space. Your space. It’s a feeling, when you enter the doorway, that warm aura that engulfs you entirely. Your mind, body and soul, they smile in sync. That smile doesn’t need to show on your face mind you. And sometimes, you might be the only person who even notices that you’re smiling – but you know that you’re smiling.

I can’t remember the last time I smiled – the last time my mind, body and soul smiled together. When all my senses came together.

It’s easy to take a city, a love, comfort and even sanity for that matter, for granted. It’s true, whoever said, you only have to lose it all to know what you had to begin with.

But coming back to tonight. It’s around 10.40 now.

My room is dark; but I now live in what people fondly call, The City of Lights, The City of Dreams. The City of Love, Fame and Power.

Tonight – I can’t see the lights. I have no dreams. Love, fame and power are nowhere on Marine Drive’s horizon.

I miss home. But then, that’s just me.

Do you sometimes play all the right songs, just so that the tears come pouring out? Even as I type this, the tears won’t stop. Someone once told me, write, use your writing to your advantage when you think the whole world isn’t there to listen. Sometimes, it’s a curse. To know all the right words, and all the right ways to use those words to cause a stir in your heart. To leave your pillow with kaajal and tear stains, a reminder of a night that you wish would quickly turn into day.

Do you sometimes stare at your phone, wondering how it’s filled with contacts, filled to its entire capacity with number after number, email address after email address, groups on Whatsapp bubbling with chats – but your screen is just dark. It’s lonely. The phone won’t ring. And even if it does, you don’t know whose name you want to see on that screen.

Do you sometimes hold yourself so tightly – almost curl up into a ball, hoping that warmth reaches every part of you; both inside and outside. Put a blanket over your head, and keep your eyes shut tight, hoping that when you open it, all of this is just nightmare that’s now going to fade away with the rays of the morning sun? Do you?

Or is it just me?

It’s almost 11 now. The tears seemed to have stopped flowing, the world’s still moving, and a song on shuffle just made me smile. It’s odd – How a longing for a feeling can take your breath away.

Take me back,

Take me home,

If only for a day,

If only for a day.

This one is for Pune. My home. My love. My city. Me.

Everything, that was once Me, and tonight, just wants to be.

This one is for all the memories that made my love and hate my home, my love, my city, Me.

Ps. The song that made me smile, Intro, the XX. It’s brilliant.

But for tonight, why don’t you listen to – All Of These Stars, OST The Fault Lies In My Stars; Ed Sheeran.

“They’re playing chasing cars, and I thought of us.”

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Help. I’m Falling In Love With A Wolf.

I should have guessed from the beginning.
It’s what attracted me to him the most – his soulful eyes, his deep voice and electric soul. He has that appeal around him, the kinds that make you want to pick him in a crowd, but also, maybe let him be to his thoughts.
Either way, your eyes, they find his somehow.
I think it’s the way he looks at you. The way he chooses whom to speak to, when to, and most importantly, if at all to speak to.
His words, it’s as if he’s teasing you – luring you, captivating you – leaving you almost motionless. Like a deer caught in headlights. A glance here, a word there, but you can never leave his gaze. Not unless he wants you to.
He’s never in a crowd, but he’s always surrounded. He’s never alone, but it’s his own company he cherishes the most.
Our eyes, they crossed each other a long time back. And before I knew it, his eyes were all I could dream of, as the moon rose in the dark starless sky. His words, they became the rhythm my heart beat to. His touch, layers inside me would melt, just at the thought of his soft lips on mine. Our legs entwined, my arms around hm, my fingers tracing our destinies on his bare chest… His hands around me, his fingers buried in the dark locks of my hair.
I let out a sigh. Turning gently, in case he’s asleep. His eyes stare far away, outside the window, beyond the dark starless sky, beyond the horizon, beyond … just beyond. For a while I choose to remain motionless, even breathing seems to be invasive to his thoughts right now.
I wonder where his thoughts are at this moment in time.
He does love – don’t get me wrong. He’s extremely passionate. But tonight, he’s left my gaze, and looks beyond. I wonder what’s on his mind, and with a little fear in my heart, know that with the glow of the morning sun, I’m going to wake up, missing him.
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Love, In The Time Of Technology.

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In the recent past, it’s come to my notice, more surely now than a few months ago, that love, like all other human emotions and decisions is now being influenced, altered and majorly affected by the ease of technology. There’s always someone else to fall back on, a swipe right, a tweet here and a like there… there’s just no need for that extra effort these days. Those letters filled with yearning words, that spoke deeply of compassion and love. Before you mock, or pin me as the ‘classic romantic’, let me tell remind you that I’m not talking about a past where horse-carriages roamed the cobbled streets, and women went off to dances in barns hoping they would find their Prince Charming (no doubt, I wish I was born in that era instead… simpler times). I’m talking about a not-so-recent past. When there was a Man whom I wrote long letters for, who travelled hours just to see me smile. A Man I spent hours talking to, till the dark skies of the night turned to a reddish hue. A Man who had twinkling eyes and a dairy milk in his hand every time he saw me. A Man, I thought I would end up being with, till death do us apart. Alas, that love story ended abruptly; and while I have no regrets, no hanging ‘what if’ questions… I do just have one teeny tiny problem. That was the first and last time that I loved someone. Truly, madly, and passionately. Together, we were invincible. Every fight just pulled us together, and every letter only closer. What went wrong – well that’s another story. Where is he now? Living his own Happily Ever After with his Mrs. Right… (And yes, I’m extremely happy that he found someone) But in all of this – where does it leave me?
Ready to explore the new world of men out there? Yes.
Equipped to do so? Nope.
There was a time when it was merely just Fate that brought two people together. Today, Apps and various social media sites seem to be taking over. Gone are the days when you had to wait to be introduced to the boy next door. You merely find him (read: stalk) and swipe right or send a message. Chances are, he would have done the same in a couple of days too.
So where does my problem lie?
How do I explain this to you?
For someone who believes in a world of Prince Charming’s, a world of Fairy Tales and Happy Endings – Technology has become one of my worst enemies. I won’t deny that I have attempted to use not one, but two dating apps and have met a total of 6 boys. Where’s the problem – the same helping hand that I used to get me out of my situation, was the same one that pulled me down. No one has patience – Hell, even I don’t!
You don’t like the way the conversation is going? Block.
You don’t want to hear what the person has to say? Block.
You don’t like his Whatsapp profile picture? Block.
Block. Block. Block.
Swipe. Swipe. Swipe.
Block. Block. Block.
Swipe. Swipe. Swipe.
You get the point?
Now somewhere in this blocking and swiping – what if you chance upon someone… Someone who stops your thumb from swiping. Someone who doesn’t make you want to hang up. Someone who makes you want this coffee to last for hours? Things start brewing… 1 coffee, 2 coffees, a few drinks, some dinners, a kiss and then Boom.
A tiff. A lover’s quarrel – I don’t know, what do people call mini, nonsensical and entirely avoidable arguments lately?
So that happens. And then, the worst of it all…. Radio Silence. An ego battle for who texts first. The eternal dilemma with yourself- will I seem desperate if I text him first? Will she think I’m “too into” her if I text her first? Then comes more silence. A once hyper active chat is now making it’s way lower and lower on your Whatsapp screen. No more notifications that make your heart skip a beat. No more calls or spontaneous plans that leave you smiling. Radio Silence.
It’s been days, you decide you should say something… Or is it too late? In haste and anger you delete the E-Matchmaker, furious that it could have given you a hint of something so lovely, and at the same time turn you into this person.
Another day passes.
Radio Silence.
You decide to vent to a friend. Your mind is in a 100 places at once. Friends always have the best solutions or if nothing, will buy you some wine tonight to distract you.
You explain the situation to her.
She listens patiently.
Is his full name, “She recites it exactly.”
You freeze. A slight buzz in your head. You think you’ve nodded; you aren’t too sure.
Her answer proving that you did.
“Listen. He just swiped right to my friend two days ago. They’re meeting tonight for dinner or coffee I think.”
“Oh.” – You hear yourself, from far, far away.