When Saturn Returns.

saturnreturn

“I don’t know what is happening… but I know that I’m not happy.”

In more ways than one, I’ve been at the receiving end of this line this past week. It’s scary, too many people have been calling or texting me, sharing intimate details of their lives, searching for an answer – one that they know isn’t with me, or anywhere around me.

To make things worse, I realise that these thoughts I’ve been having; well, I’m not the only one…

It makes me wonder? Is there an answer to this? Why are so many 25 something’s just not happy?

Do you get this feeling? You open your eyes and the sigh from last night still escapes your lips. Even if you want to give up, you’re not exactly sure what you’re giving up.

Happiness: is it a journey, or the destination?

Many of us have the luxury of thought and life. We have been raised well, our education has taught us to achieve, and then some, and our lives are leading… well, somewhere. We’re fixated by the flashy idea of change. Everything has to become better: You will find your soulmate. You will get that promotion. You will have friends. You are not alone.

Last night, I was having dinner with my parents, the meal was delicious, one of my favourites. Out of nowhere, I felt a deep unrest within me.

I was confused. This hasn’t happened to me in a long, long time. I was unaware of how I should react; and knowing that a reaction would result in concerned questions from my parents: Questions to which I had no answer, mind you.

Mid-way, I told them I was done and excused myself. I rushed to my room and shut the door quickly behind me.

My heart was pounding.

What was happening?

Was I unhappy? I could feel the tears prickling my eyes.

Why?

Why?

Am I going insane?

I read somewhere, that sometimes you get this “gut-feeling” sort of like a “sixth sense” when something is about to go wrong, terribly wrong. Was this it? Was something about to spiral out of my control?

Did I jinx my own calm, mundane life?

I tried everything from a hot shower, loud music, Netflix… all to no avail.

Deep breath. Deep breath. Deep breath.

My eyes fell on a book, Coelho (of course).. Curious.. I went to it. I sat there, wondering if I’ve even finished or read this book… Blank.

I took it and head back to my bed.

Opened it slowly.

Read three pages.

And reached this line,

“Maybe it’s just Saturn-returns…”

I’m confused.

I read a few more lines and decide that I have to find out what this means: much as the protagonist decides too.

I open my laptop and type:

Saturn Returns.

Enter.

It’s not an epiphany. It’s not a moment of “OMG” or even “WTF” – it brings tears to my eyes. It brings joy to my overwhelming sadness. And, it gives me an answer.

Saturn Returns.

“The notorious period of our lives, where our life goes one of two ways – we either take off, soaring like an eagle, successful, happy and financially free, or everything crumbles around us and we fall apart. For many, it’s the latter.”

Basically, ‘Saturn Returns’ is a crisis that will leave you facing your deepest fears. Everything that you thought you wanted will come into question, you will begin to question who you are, what you want and even where you want to be.

Saturn Returns (To Mess With You.)

“I don’t know what is happening… but I know that I’m not happy.”

It’s a test.

The Universe is testing us.

It’s testing us to our basic core.

Isn’t this what we’ve always believed in? What we’ve always thought to be true somewhere, all along?

Why is it that simultaneously with grief-stricken news, you hear of people in this same 25 something group finding their soulmate, getting that promotion, are surrounded by loving friends and most definitely are not alone?

An interesting conversation with a friend once made me think out loud, “Did the Universe skip some of us and move on to the next generation?”

We still have no answer to this – But think about it, Saturn Returns… Is this the answer that we need? That we need to power through – we need to take ourselves through this test… and mind you, the Universe, while testing us, doesn’t want us to be walking alone. Is that why recently, I’ve been connecting with friends who have the very same thoughts circling in their heads? Am I attracting this? These thoughts? These people? These results?

I want to say that I slept well last night and that I will tonight too. That my demons are far from me; that joyous thoughts will fill up my dreams.

But this is a test, remember?

My demons and I will share my bed and my nightmares too.

Do I have it in me, to wait for Saturn, to pass me by?

I don’t have the answer for this, just that tonight, it feels a little safer…

…. Even if just for a while.

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